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personel redux
Aug. 2nd, 2007 07:22 amReviewing my past brings to light things I need to address and feelings i don't want to have. I don't talk very much in this space about myself or the people in my life, i am always afraid i will say the wrong thing or do the wrong thing or that my venting or self analysis will somehow be taken in the wrong light either as arrogant or spiteful, I rarely write on these things.
If i talk at all its in generalities and hidden comments and yet in many ways this has become unsatisfying and stultifying in its process and outcome.
Feelings unresolved from years ago to be in a place of growth a relationship, others having been and gone there where I can not, not allowed to make them go away because my world no longer fits the right patterns.
Watching interaction and knowing that's where i should be, that's what i should be and knowing that's not where i am not, longing and needing that structure and that ability knowing that word is closed to me at present
I dislike intensely knowing that i have left damage on people i love but its there and its not at present resolvable with time and understanding.
I look at the return damage the unfulfilled promise of comfort directly fragmented by lack of focus, the next step never fulfilled always with someone else a foil a shill after awhile one need to confirm ones own structure before one opens it to the world.
I think of the things i wanted to have, meaning, to be, to cuddle and learn and experiment and discover and these are roads of missed opportunities and dust now others fill the spaces that should or at least could have been mine.
As much as this was new to you it was new to me as well i don't have the wealth of background from back then to be called to account for having known better in how to get there or for how badly the ending worse from everything because there never seems to have been an end no cut off no this is finished, open wounds bleeding freely how do we graft back whats severed and what will still be missing if we do even with healing
As much as your pain there is mine listen learn and understand as much as its not about me its not about you its what happens next.
If i talk at all its in generalities and hidden comments and yet in many ways this has become unsatisfying and stultifying in its process and outcome.
Feelings unresolved from years ago to be in a place of growth a relationship, others having been and gone there where I can not, not allowed to make them go away because my world no longer fits the right patterns.
Watching interaction and knowing that's where i should be, that's what i should be and knowing that's not where i am not, longing and needing that structure and that ability knowing that word is closed to me at present
I dislike intensely knowing that i have left damage on people i love but its there and its not at present resolvable with time and understanding.
I look at the return damage the unfulfilled promise of comfort directly fragmented by lack of focus, the next step never fulfilled always with someone else a foil a shill after awhile one need to confirm ones own structure before one opens it to the world.
I think of the things i wanted to have, meaning, to be, to cuddle and learn and experiment and discover and these are roads of missed opportunities and dust now others fill the spaces that should or at least could have been mine.
As much as this was new to you it was new to me as well i don't have the wealth of background from back then to be called to account for having known better in how to get there or for how badly the ending worse from everything because there never seems to have been an end no cut off no this is finished, open wounds bleeding freely how do we graft back whats severed and what will still be missing if we do even with healing
As much as your pain there is mine listen learn and understand as much as its not about me its not about you its what happens next.
