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Ive always had problems with my birthdays and this last week reading Blindsight by Peter Watts i came across a little gem that if you apply game logic to birthdays the only way to win is not to reveal your birthday.
Essentially the potential for problems on a birthday is so high that the W.O.P.P.E.R answer of "care for a game of tic tac toe Dr Falcon" is preferable to un-winnable thermonuclear war.

My problems with birthdays have run from my family forgetting them to having my friends put mine off in an uncool manner and in the last number of years having my birthday filled with people i dont know really nore care to know.
Over the last 6 years ive worked to correct that with limited success and this year I took the whole effort under my hand made one goof which was forget how long chinese new years runs but in the end with restaurant screw up not to bad with a little offered help.

The only real issue remaining from the past years brought up this logic structure in my head which was something I had forgotten a long time ago but recently I realized how important it is.

It goes something like this.
Q: Do you want me at your party
A: Only if you want to be there if you don't then please don't bother

Why this exchange? because it removes the potential "Hi jacking" of who the event is about Ie.. how could you have those people there or how dare you ask for assistance because you couldn't get things right in setting up the event etc... these are things that turn the act of being present and of helping out into blackmail tokens seeking undeserved powers that change the event from about oneself into it all being about the persons efforts being somehow worth more than they are.

The responses that the above wording allow me then is
1. You said you wanted to be there if you hadn't wanted to I said it was fine.
2. You offered to help and I accepted I didn't ask for that help

While I was on my road tour the last 2 weeks 2 conversations brought this into focus for me, the first was having a friend who met me at shibaricon 5 years ago comment that I seem more complete today than I did back then. That 5 years ago I seemed like I was clutching at straws emotionally and well I was.
Today while not perfect at all I seem more integrated and better than I was which leads me to the second commentary which was being told that everything ive been doing in the last 6 years and more so the last 4 months were not caring and deliberately nasty, because i didn't throw myself on an emotional bungee stake and stop the world to take care of fears. When i did try to help, those efforts were rebuffed because they weren't the ones that were demanded which means that any effort is wasted because only compliance will satisfy, nothing else and even then no matter what compliance is reached no effort is remotely good enough.

We can only give what we have, we can only offer what is accepted we can not demand what isn't ours to demand

Emotional honesty

Date: 2009-02-25 11:31 pm (UTC)
From: [identity profile] jkuroda.livejournal.com
> Q: Do you want me at your party
> A: Only if you want to be there if you don't then please don't bother

It strikes me as similar to things I've said to others in similar situations that, boiled down, start off with "Why are you doing [whatever]? Is that a good reason?."

It even echoes how I view guilt and apology - do it because you honestly think you did something wrong, not because you think you should to fit into society or to curry favor, but because you think you did something wrong and want to be honest about it.

Date: 2009-02-27 01:09 am (UTC)
From: [identity profile] ms-redcat.livejournal.com
So I take it birthdays are a problem then... does this mean if someone just happened to get a birthday present for you without asking first if you'd like one, would that be an unpleasant experience for you? Just in theory of course ;)

Kokuro

Date: 2009-03-01 08:42 pm (UTC)
From: [identity profile] donluisdelacosa.livejournal.com
It's amusing to see the both of us being accused of similar personality defects: coldness, nastiness, etc. Knowing that I also had to go through some similar spirit forging, I kept hearing my aikido teacher's voice echoing inside my head saying - "make your insides match your outsides, do as little harm as possible..." and a few other key phrases that guided me through a few really dark spots (some of which you were there to help me with). I can understand the whole hijacking the birthday thing, nothing feels more annoying to me, and so I've had to do something similar, and pair down the list to a chosen few and their trusted adherents. That said, it's almost always a pleasant affair these days. I guess the old adage is true: youth and vigor will never win out over age and treachery.

Happy belated, btw. Sorry I missed it.

Date: 2009-04-17 02:13 am (UTC)
From: [identity profile] ne-penthe.livejournal.com
"We can only give what we have, we can only offer what is accepted we can not demand what isn't ours to demand"

Very true.
I love knowing you.
~N

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September 2009

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